Sometimes, you have to listen very well

and sometimes you find this, but you wonder

so life is like that

3 months

Hmmm,, its been ages
See; this is supposed to be a happy blog and it became a list of tragedies so, why take the time to just write it here...
Anyway nobody ever reads this blog, except for the spam machines, and me hahaha

So whats up in my life...

My brother was finally able to get his right eye transplant, i was his personal nurse,,, and we both ended in the hospital,, hahahaha, so he couldn't take the load of the wait and post transplant difficulties and ended up in crisis. Me?. well i couldn't take the load of slowly noticing the changes and deterioration in his health along with the fact that i had some kind of depression going on.
So one night he ended up in the hospital, next day when i went to the same hospital to take his things and belongings They didn't let me out... so I was hospitalized due severe depression for 4 days. The only good result is ,,, yep, i lost 7 Kg because of the depression, I just stopped eating for a long time as I couldn't keep anything in my stomach.

3 months later, I am considerably better, i am still taking medicine, it kind of helps, but if i forget to take it, It totally shows. It is not an addictive medicine but it seems I have to take it to keep my good spirits.

I decided not to go back to ships life, I need time for me, my brother is also going into surgery in august again, soo he will need us family to be here ( hope we don't go hospital crazy again). I am currently looking for a job,, the tedious work of trying to belong to an industry that it is enclosed only to the people with contacts,, but I will make my way like a worm eating and eating flesh until I am under its skin...

Friendzone its no so bad, its comfy and easy to go along , sad though sometimes...

Planning on my new bike as soon as I get my new job, cant hardly wait, also been learning how to drive and started dreaming with a renault 4,,, yes a RENAULT 4 ,,, I love that car, and I want to paint it with polka dots.. hahahaha.

Anyway that is life.

As allways something for the road

This photo

and This song

Now where is that lighting?.

el suicidio es un privilegio que pocos tienen

Si todo fuera tan fácil como desaparecer

hmm y viendo este blog se suponía que debía contar mi vida en el mediterraneo y postear la cantidad de fotos que tengo en cicla en europa,,, algún dia sera...,pero hoy, nada que hacer es uno de esos, post que pongo aquí y nadie lee y son para mi propia satisfacción desahogo o lo que sea..

graciosamente si espere que el mundo se acabara el 21 de diciembre del 2012,,, o por lo menos si queria que pasara,, lo deseaba,,pero como pensaba no fue,,, y lo lamente,, aun lo lamento,, porque no se acabo el mundo?... yo se que lo de los mayas no tiene sentido,,,hasta los mismos mayas con los que he hablado se ríen de la teoría,,, pero yo lo deseaba,, mórbidamente mire  desde mi ventana el cielo ese día en el barco tantas veces como pude solo deseando que algo cayera y destruyera el mundo,,, pero no,, no pasa,,no pasa,, mi hermano sigue igual,, yo tengo el mismo prospecto de vida el cual entiendo y acepto, pero no logro coordinar con lo que eran mis sueños,,, hoy solo quiero que mi hermano descanse,, que mis papas descansen,,, que yo no exista.. por eso el fin del mundo era una idea encantadora, simple,, facil,, pero quien dijo que la vida es fácil..ja,,, eso no existe.

Aun después de leer y leer mas y mas casos,libros,, de familias, hijos, hermanos con esquizofrenia, la vida no cambia,,, no hay perspectiva,,  y no puedo evitar pesadillas con los ojos abiertos,, mi mayor terror que es que mi hermano se suicide,,, que mis padres sufran,,, me veo a mi misma, en el rol de los hermanos, es inevitable, ya tome rol de segunda madre,, de nino ejemplo,, de tratar de traer algo de felicidad u orgullo,, que a la vez me hace sentir culpable de poder hacer cosas que mi hermano no puede,, entonces es una lucha estúpida,, quien quiere vivir así,,,

solo quiero que caiga un meteorito y acabe el mundo,,, aunque ridiculamente ya se que es mucho pedir.

Ignorance is Bliss

Bueno y llego Drydock,, una experiencia que esperaba con muchas ganas y como dicen Ignorance is Bliss, porque empezó una pesadilla distinta y en un nuevo nivel, para ese entonces no había cambiado la cámara, así que la cámara pesaba 14 kilos, el trípode 8 kilos, y los 19 tapes mas cintas reglas y niveladores que cargaba en la espalda 3 kilos,,, y adivinen que se siente filmar un barco entero todos los días, cuando no hay electricidad!!!!!!, es decir subir y bajar escaleras en un barco de 15 pisos con una carga de 25 kilos.. HELLL
La idea era crear Time lapses, esos vídeo en los que se ve el cambio de algo paso a paso a través del tiempo. Obvio sin la tecnologia correcta eso no iba a funcionar, para hacer un time lapse debes mantener una cámara por el tiempo necesario en una sola posición , en un solo ángulo y frame durante todo el proceso de reconstrucción, pero obvio la cosa no era así pues solo había una cámara así que me toco inventarme una formula,, con reglas cintas y mi ipod cada día trataba  de hacer la toma de la misma locación en el mismo frame y ángulo, de cada locación en el barco, lo chistoso es que a ser un sitio de construccion mis referencias cambiaban cada día,,, finalmente no pude ver como quedaron los time lapses pues no teníamos los equipos para capturar tantas horas de grabación.. pero para ser honesta creo que no funciono, 1 mes completo cambiando dia a dia,, creo que las posibilidades de que haya logrado hacer la misma toma siempre son muy bajas.
Bueno en eso pasaba de 9 am a 3 pm, Luego de 3pm a 730 pm tenia que estar con el equipo de broadcast ayudando en la renovacion del estudio, botando la basura electronica, y consiguiendo cosas,, como dicen el detodero. Al final del día me sentía muy dolorida y cansada como para salir a ningún lado.
Las cosas buenas?
bueno estuve un mes en Cadiz España, y eso si me gusto mucho,, no salia todos los días por el cansancio pero tampoco iba a dejar que mis pies doloridos me impidieran conocer, asi que a veces salia y miraba una zona de la ciudad distinta, comía un nuevo plato, escuchaba un nuevo ritmo, y esperaba con paciencia mi cicla que nunca llego,,, y como hubiera sido de útil mi cicla esos días pues tan solo para salir de la obra en el puerto era un largo camino.
Cadiz es una ciudad hermosa, bastante parecida a cartagena, con muralla y castillos. Tenia una playa muy bonita pero la verdad nunca pude ir pues de dia era que hacia sol y estaba trabajando, pero si la pude caminar. fui a ver avengers y MIB3 en españolete,,Estuve dos veces en una pena Flamenca viendo como bailaban y cantaban flamenco, comí mucho jamón serrano,, yummmmm,, absolutamente delicioso, y conocí el tinto de verano,,, la mejor bebida refrescante del mundo, al parecer una mezcla de vino tinto, casera (una gaseosa con solo azúcar y gas) y limón.
Tuve la oportunidad de ir a Jerez, con la plena intencion de ir a conocer la casa del jerez y probar el tan famoso trago,,, pero resulto que cuando fui la ciudad estaba en festivales y el lugar estaba cerrado asi que me fui a los festivales, muy bonito de hecho caballos y gente vistiendo ropa antigua por todo lado.
El drydock fue una buena experiencia, Los jefes de Miami pudieron ver mi trabajo lo que me ayudo en mi ascenso laboral posteriormente y conocí personas buenas, una ciudad hermosa y como hacer un estudio de broadcast, Pero una cosa si tengo clara,,, nunca mas deseo en mi vida volver a un drydock,,, fue una pesadilla completa, completamente dolorosa, se sintió como una prueba de sobrevivencia.
bueno acá dejo fotos de la experiencia.

 Las calles de Cadiz, estoy oficialmente en España 

 Murallas y Castillos en Cadiz

 Un parque hermoso en Cadiz

 En las playas Cadiz

 Murallas en Cadiz

 festivales en Jerez

 Festivals en Jerez

 Video en la Pena Flamenca

 En  las Playas  de Cadiz

 En el barco creando timelapses

                                              Mi sistemas de Medidas para Los timelapses

 Mi sistema de encuadre y angulo para timelapses se basaba en fotos de Ipod

 Filmando el timelapse de desagüe del parqueo en seco

 Comiendo Jamon Serrano Iberico yummmmmmm

 EL TINTO DE VERANO

 La comida con peor sabor del mundo, había como 100 personas en  el establecimiento comiendose estos caracoles con unas ganas, y yo dije, bueno probemos,,, no pude comer mas de 5, sabían horrible, esta cara en la foto es obviamente antes de probarlos

 Las calles de Cadiz en la noche

 Bajando el modelo del barco, del barco!

 Foto en la Pena Flamenca

Con Carlos en en terreno de Reparacion

Crossing the Atlantic Sea

And the crossing began,, the exiting idea of going with a ship to Europe.

The times were mad,, we had to prepare the ship to be out of TV signal for 6 days.

The situation was the same with my boss, the bulling didn't change i still loads of hours, mainly renovating the Cruise in Review ( the DVD the people can buy by the end of the cruise), i got to see the motor, the water purification system and waste and dark water treatment room and the engine room of the ship, they are located underneath the sea level along with tons of engine workshops, it is damn hot there and the camera becomes heavier as the time pass.

The middle of the Atlantic is calm, dead calm,, like a mirror,, i didn't get to see whales,, or any animals like i wanted, I still spent most of my time trying to arrange a transfer to another ship with no success.

Put loads of back up programming, CNN and BBC podcast and filmed curious parts of the ship  I've never seen.

I got to spend my hours out in Tenerife, the canary Islands. Beautiful Spanish island in front but not close to Africa where i ended paying  80 euros to a taxi driver, so he would take me to the best places i could see in 3 hours.

I got to see the volcano, the volcanic sand beaches, and the old town. It was a beautiful place, very paceful and organized, who wouldn't like to live there.

And then we arrived to Malaga,, but that is part of the dry dock story so it will go on the next post.

 with the volcano in the background

 In La casa de los balcones old town

 Balcones en la casa de los balcones

 With the traditional spanish clothes through time and the sand murals

 The huge sand mural paintings in the plaza

 Volcanic sand beaches

how tenerife streets look

 In the middle of the Atlantic Sea

 In the middle of the Atlantic Sea

In the middle of the Atlantic Sea

caribe suramericano en el Grandeur

Uyyyy! tanto que contar!

ok,,, hmm,,, the depression part was,, of course part of the bullying from my boss i was feeling like shit!,, and especially after coming from such hard time with my brother..
there is too much to tell about my 7 months on the mediterranean sea, things about life, places, food,, animals, people, myself,, so the big question is where to start!!!!

lets try the beginning.
I arrived to the grandeur very happy and exited little did i know about my work environment... yeh the caribbean places where definitely nice,, but the work was getting crazy mad,, i spent most of my free time in the HR Center crying, attempting to get transfer to a new ship, because of the bullying..
In the end if i had taken that road,,, i would have ended ruining too many lives, lives of people that didn't deserve my anger.

So i didn't do anything and waiting for my new boss to arrive in Drydock

Aruba, Curacao, Bonaire, Colon and Cartagena
I didn't go out much to see the places, but of what i saw i loved Aruba,, totally gorgeous i could see myself living there, Curacao seems to have wonderful color houses i took great photos of that and bought a very nice painting for my room, Bonaire i did see quite a lot since my boss didn't like to go out there, the place is like an old poor town, the beaches are definitely beautiful and the water is crystal clear,, i got to see the traditional way of life, the salt mines and the very old slave houses, very small, i got to say we humans are way to cruel, Colon, well i didn't get far, i only made it to the restaurant with internet in front of the port, so what i saw was horrible, and cartagena,, well you know cartagena,,, it is just wonderful and pretty.

That was the first month of my life in the grandeur, and by the end i received a beautiful photo of Silvestre in his new house with his sister, that was rewarding

aruba

 aruba

Curacao

 bonaire, casa de esclavos,, 20 en cada una

 bonaire

bonaire

 curaçao

curaçao

Silvestre con su nueva hermana

bad chip

there must be something seriously wrong with me,,, i mean i am after all in Curacao,, i work only 6 to 7 hours,, i earn enough,, compared to others i am very blessed

Still i feel depress, so,,

i tough that would go away after my brother got better or came back to work,,

but no

somehow i don't feel satisfy,,, i am grumpy and moody,, and most definitely not happy.

what am i missing here?

i miss silvestre,,, a great lot,,, i miss colombia,,, i don't feel like doing anything,,, i don't even like so much the food i use to like,,, like ice creams,, i try them and i don't even want the second bite,,or lick,,, however it is said..not even the movies that used to change my mood do it for me

That doesn't look nice on me, i mean,,, there is that emo thing about people that always want to kill themselves and feel so depress, but lets be honest,,, i can't pull the emo off,, you need to be skinny and pretty to do it,,, like helena,... i only would be the fat chick with the black clothes,,, i don't even have enough hair to do the emo haircut... maybe if i use the wig,,,

No i can't pull the cute, hot dark emo girl off,, so that is of the table.

so what to do,,, i mean after all it is all actitud and is it only me who can decide to change that.. but it doesn't seem that way to me now,,, i just feel moody and the moody i stay the moodiest i become,,,,

Maybe i need to see candy candy again..

ARUBA!!

well life in the ship didn't star on the right way,, but here on second week,, it is much better,,,

comparing the grandeur to the freedom,,, this ship is way better for work,,less stressful,,, and i can go out in the ports which makes this way more better!!!

working with a latin ship, is funny,,, thee is always party everywhere,,, there is loud people like me all around,,, headache!!!!!...

the bbq,,, smell like asado

the food,,, o well food is definitely not good,,, in that i prefer the freedom...

anyway,, i am here in aruba today and i am totally amazed,, it is just gorgeous,, way took pretty,, i totally see myself living in here when i am old and wrinkled.

aaaaa,, so peacefull,,, full of bird noises,,, and blue and green,,,,, pristine white beaches,,,, this is the life!!!

Of good byes and Time to go

Ok here we are again,,, must say i am honestly not to exited about it, even though i am looking forward to see Europe, i believe i should be more exited.

I even had a Tuna and a good bye party with my dear friends.

I have loads of mixed feelings; for starters i am deeply depress to have had to given up silvestre, i took him today to his new owners,, but the cat they had there only fighter and bitted him,, still had to leave him, and i miss him like i miss chiqui,,, i am soo sad, i just hate the idea of never been able to see him again.

On the other hand i feel quite guilty of leaving my parents to deal with my brother,, i feel i should be helping, but then again i need to rest and therefore need to go far away.

I fell very very tired,, part because i am really sick now,,, full on flu with coff and everything and part because this 'holidays" were not holidays so i am even more tired that when i arrived, it feels to me that i am going to go rest to the ship, which is contradictory cos i am to go work every single day..

in the end i am not happy to leave now somehow, so i am hopping once i am in the ship that will change.

anyway bye to the modern era again,, to the internet, to the mobile phone, to the movies, to the tv, to every single new season of everything i see, to my geek friends,, that i love,,, to the bike everywhere.

good bye,, to my silvestre ...