Sometimes, you have to listen very well

and sometimes you find this, but you wonder

so life is like that

3 months

Hmmm,, its been ages
See; this is supposed to be a happy blog and it became a list of tragedies so, why take the time to just write it here...
Anyway nobody ever reads this blog, except for the spam machines, and me hahaha

So whats up in my life...

My brother was finally able to get his right eye transplant, i was his personal nurse,,, and we both ended in the hospital,, hahahaha, so he couldn't take the load of the wait and post transplant difficulties and ended up in crisis. Me?. well i couldn't take the load of slowly noticing the changes and deterioration in his health along with the fact that i had some kind of depression going on.
So one night he ended up in the hospital, next day when i went to the same hospital to take his things and belongings They didn't let me out... so I was hospitalized due severe depression for 4 days. The only good result is ,,, yep, i lost 7 Kg because of the depression, I just stopped eating for a long time as I couldn't keep anything in my stomach.

3 months later, I am considerably better, i am still taking medicine, it kind of helps, but if i forget to take it, It totally shows. It is not an addictive medicine but it seems I have to take it to keep my good spirits.

I decided not to go back to ships life, I need time for me, my brother is also going into surgery in august again, soo he will need us family to be here ( hope we don't go hospital crazy again). I am currently looking for a job,, the tedious work of trying to belong to an industry that it is enclosed only to the people with contacts,, but I will make my way like a worm eating and eating flesh until I am under its skin...

Friendzone its no so bad, its comfy and easy to go along , sad though sometimes...

Planning on my new bike as soon as I get my new job, cant hardly wait, also been learning how to drive and started dreaming with a renault 4,,, yes a RENAULT 4 ,,, I love that car, and I want to paint it with polka dots.. hahahaha.

Anyway that is life.

As allways something for the road

This photo

and This song

Now where is that lighting?.

el suicidio es un privilegio que pocos tienen

Si todo fuera tan fácil como desaparecer

hmm y viendo este blog se suponía que debía contar mi vida en el mediterraneo y postear la cantidad de fotos que tengo en cicla en europa,,, algún dia sera...,pero hoy, nada que hacer es uno de esos, post que pongo aquí y nadie lee y son para mi propia satisfacción desahogo o lo que sea..

graciosamente si espere que el mundo se acabara el 21 de diciembre del 2012,,, o por lo menos si queria que pasara,, lo deseaba,,pero como pensaba no fue,,, y lo lamente,, aun lo lamento,, porque no se acabo el mundo?... yo se que lo de los mayas no tiene sentido,,,hasta los mismos mayas con los que he hablado se ríen de la teoría,,, pero yo lo deseaba,, mórbidamente mire  desde mi ventana el cielo ese día en el barco tantas veces como pude solo deseando que algo cayera y destruyera el mundo,,, pero no,, no pasa,,no pasa,, mi hermano sigue igual,, yo tengo el mismo prospecto de vida el cual entiendo y acepto, pero no logro coordinar con lo que eran mis sueños,,, hoy solo quiero que mi hermano descanse,, que mis papas descansen,,, que yo no exista.. por eso el fin del mundo era una idea encantadora, simple,, facil,, pero quien dijo que la vida es fácil..ja,,, eso no existe.

Aun después de leer y leer mas y mas casos,libros,, de familias, hijos, hermanos con esquizofrenia, la vida no cambia,,, no hay perspectiva,,  y no puedo evitar pesadillas con los ojos abiertos,, mi mayor terror que es que mi hermano se suicide,,, que mis padres sufran,,, me veo a mi misma, en el rol de los hermanos, es inevitable, ya tome rol de segunda madre,, de nino ejemplo,, de tratar de traer algo de felicidad u orgullo,, que a la vez me hace sentir culpable de poder hacer cosas que mi hermano no puede,, entonces es una lucha estúpida,, quien quiere vivir así,,,

solo quiero que caiga un meteorito y acabe el mundo,,, aunque ridiculamente ya se que es mucho pedir.